After nearly a year of investigating, the NCAA announced Thursday that it was charging the University of Louisville with four Level 1 rules violations as a result of a UofL coach allegedly paying for 14 strip shows, 11 sex acts, 2 declined sex acts, and a partridge in a pear tree.  The investigation took as long as it did because the NCAA had a hard time processing evidence that Rick Pitino was somehow unaware of any prostitutes in a city the size of Louisville.

The blame for the seemingly expensive scandal has been placed solely on one former basketball staffer who made less than $30,000, which seems totally logical, appropriate, and fair.  If the NCAA’s findings were that the shows weren’t that expensive after all, then, well, gross.

New University of Louisville President, “Aaron” Neville “driving a” Pinto, and athletic director Tom Jurich released a statement apologizing, not for the wrong doing of staffers, but instead for the wrong doing taking place in a dorm.  “Improper activities took place in a dormitory, and that never should have occurred; instead maybe some place like the Galt House or somewhere much, much nicer. No wonder some of the sex acts were declined.”

Pitino vowed to make the necessary changes to ensure something like this never happens again, this being that there are prostitutes in Louisville who he is unaware of.