With Lexington Ranking 42nd in Orkin’s national list of Bed Bug infested cities, Tops in Lex has put out a new issue highlighting Lexington’s most elegant bed bug infested homes.

“This two story Shangri-La has a mosaic tiled shower, marble kitchen island and a colony of parasitic insects.” reads the article, describing a house in Ashland Park.

Bed Bugs, once nearly eradicated in the developed world, have come back into fashion. Like Burlesque dancing.

The article goes on to interview some of the owners in the priciest neighborhoods in town.

“Difficult to get rid of. Extreme heat or cold is the usual treatment.” Explained homeowner and precious metal speculator Chadwick Whiffleson. “Suffocation. That’s another way. Some of our neighbors are lukewarm on the subject. But I say we’d be better off without them. But anyway. Enough about orphans. What brings you to the party?”

Some residents see the creatures that have plagued humanity for millennia as a possible investment opportunity. “I used to go to a spa for laser skin cell removal,” said Skyler Tanner-Husen. “Now I have these artisanal little bugs to do it for me in my sleep. I’m thinking about bottling the little guys.”

The article even interviewed some of the bed bugs themselves. One in particular preferred to be addressed by its latin name. “Bed Bug? How provincial. Please address me as Cimex Lectularius. I prefer my blood blue.” It filled a martini glass full of bloody mary, garnishing it with a skewered head lice. “I refuse to be a part of any infestation of a property valued at less than $500,000.” It explained sitting on top of a pile of someone’s back skin it had shaped into a Chesterfield armchair. “Some of us have our boundaries. We aren’t all as promiscuous as your kind likes to believe.”

“I’ve slept with everyone at WLEX-18.” said another bed bug who was fine without the Latin classification. “Call me whatever you want. Blood Sucker. I don’t care. One thing I’ve learned. It’s all the same with the lights out.”