Of the candidates for president of the United States, only Darryl Isaacs has the heavy hitting experience, temperament, and history of not sexually assaulting anyone that is required for the job.

Isaacs overcame being born rich to pull himself up by his father’s bootstraps. After graduating from the University of Kentucky he returned to Louisville to earn a law degree and then began his budding career serving the public. The young Isaacs was able to avoid going to court in a record number of cases his rookie year and he earned the nickname “The Kentucky Mallet.” Isaacs and his reputation began to grow over the years. After a rough patch Isaacs reinvented himself as “The Heavy Hitter” an overweight lawyer that helps people hit by trucks avoid court. Eventually Isaacs came out of what other lawyers refer to as his ‘Chris Gaines’ years and returned to his original brand “The Hammer,” an overweight lawyer that helps people hit by trucks avoid court.

Darry Isaacs doesn’t represent the interests of big banks. He represents the interests of regular people like you and me, who have or have had a loved one exposed to asbestos or taken phen phen. When asked about his tax plan Isaacs responded simply, “I don’t get paid unless you get paid.” And as for foreign policy, Isaacs has stated multiple times that to fix relations with Russia it would take, “one call, that’s all.”

Isaacs seems to combine the best of all the candidates. He is a lawyer like Hillary Clinton used to be, his firm can help you with bankrupcy proceedings like Donald Trump, he used to be into cycling like Jill Stein, and, like Gary Johnson, if your dog has gotten sick after eating Aleppo dog food, just give him a call.

Isaacs is the clear choice for president. He has a better understanding of the constitution than most of your Facebook friends. Our government is built with a system of checks and balances, one of the checks on the executive branch is the supreme court; with Isaacs’ ability to avoid court at all costs he has the potential to be the most powerful commander in chief in the history of our nation.

We here at The New Circle Circular are happy to endorese the next president of these United States Darryl “The Washington Sledgehammer” Isaacs.