Today and tomorrow Rupp Arena will welcome a record number of Fayette County High School Graduates, as more than 2,600 high school seniors will be receiving diplomas, because in this day in age, who doesn’t. “It’s day and age,” argued graduating Senior Alex Zimmerman, “and we’re receiving diplomas because we earned them, just like your generation did.”

It’s well documented that this group of snowflake seniors floated through a curriculum of “New Math” and a veritable absence of “Old English.” As though this wasn’t enough we’re told that Physics classes at Dunbar even spent a lot of time teaching “Theoretical Physics” rather than actual physics. We’re assuming this is just to make it easier under the guise of making things politically correct. “Hey let’s not offend anyone that knows stuff about actual physics,” we assume whoever plans out science classes said to the teachers.

My neighbor, and renowned “Diploma Truther” Winston Johnson, is troubled by the current state of education here in central Kentucky, “When we were in school students had to learn and navigate formulas on how to find the volume of a cube or a cylinder, now they can just turn it up or down with a button on their phone.”

If things weren’t bad enough, this year some diplomas will be adorned with a seal that indicates when certain students are literate in English and another language. When I told Winston, he basically responded with what we were all thinking, “And how come there’s no seal of approval for students that can speak American?”

Even that Zimmerman kid had reservations with the record number of graduates this year, “I know that my family is very proud of me as they’ve always been there for me and never been anything less than 100% supportive. However, when I’ve asked if they’re excited about today, you can tell they’re just smiling through their teeth as I don’t think they’re looking forward to the ceremony at Rupp.”