Former Vice Mayor Jim Gray announced in a press conference today, his plans to increase traffic on Nicholasville Road. The former Vice Mayor spent the majority of the half-hour laying out his plans to finally put an end to what he called “the current, far too convenient” traffic patterns that drivers are used to facing.
“The plan is multifaceted. My advisors believe it is currently too easy to figure out which lanes are outbound, which ones are inbound and which ones are turn lanes,” Gray said. “We’re currently working on ways to make that a little more confusing. Like, instead of just green arrows and red X’s there will be elaborate math problems telling you which lane to get in.” Gray then projected a sample problem on the screen behind him: If one car is traveling at 35 miles per hour away from Nicholasville and another is traveling at 45 toward Nicholasville, how long before they inevitably collide in the center lane? Now, quickly solve for the red X to avoid being in the wrong lane.
The former Vice Mayor is hoping to garner statewide attention and support for his plan to increase traffic. The Senatorial candidate stated that, so far, his idea has received a lot of positive feedback from major players in the Lexington community, like NewsTalk 590 WVLK’s Traffic Guy Brad. When asked for comment Guy Brad said, “This is a great day for our city. The traffic this is going to cause will really help with job security, it could even help create jobs, like Traffic Guy Brad’s Assistant. Traffic and weather on the 9’s? We’ll have traffic on the 7’s in no time!”
Gray felt he needed to do something after his plan to get bikers off many of Lexington’s bigger roads saw drivers, unaccustomed to driving unimpeded, arriving to events across the city on time, or in some cases, early. That’s when it became obvious something needed to be done.
We spoke with one man that had his whole world turned upside down by a traffic-free trip down Nicholasville Road. “I got off work and headed home, I was able to figure which lane I needed to be in, I hit all the green lights, and I got home in no time, early in fact. And I walked in on my wife and the neighbor… in my living room… watching that old ABC TV show Dinosaurs. Why is it on Netflix? Man it really doesn’t hold up. I remem…” The man we spoke with said before I wandered off.
“No one needs to be in a rush to get down Nicholasville Road. We’ve got our own Little Gatlinburg right here. But, people seem to be ignoring the sites and sounds of the strip in their rush to go to work, or home to see their families or whatever,” Gray told the media.
The former Vice Mayor concluded by passionately selling those in attendance on the majesty of Little Gatlinburg. “Stop and smell the several florists. When’s the last time we as a community decided to go check out TJ Maxx and whatever else is back there by that Kroger? I got this braided belt at that TJ Maxx, and you know there’s bound to be plenty of other hidden gems back here. Maybe there’s a pet store or a Michaels right under your nose. If you still feel like you have to be in a hurry this will, at the very least, give drivers a chance to stop at a red light for a second and unwrap their sandwich from Schlotzsky’s Deli.”