Late last night an injured man was passed by two separate ambulances before finally being picked up by an ambulance dispatched from Good Samaritan hospital. The man laid there, shouting at the ambulances to stop but they continued on. One witness, James King, described the events in unusual detail using lots of words that ended with ‘th,’ we didn’t really know what he was talking about so we asked someone else. The other witness, a new international student, provided a much more brief and easy to understand summary.

“It was kind of crazy, the first ambulance came cruising by and the guy shouted for help but I don’t think they heard him because the guy driving was blasting some Judas Priest. Then that second one came by that one didn’t stop but maybe that’s for the best, the guy driving wasn’t even wearing scrubs, he had on a Levi’s jean jacket for heaven’s sake,” international student Luke Tin said. “Then the Good Samaritan ambulance came by and picked him up, guy had been laying there for like an hour so he was pretty much able to just get in the ambulance himself by the time they got there. That Good Samaritan ambulance wasn’t your typical ambulance… ambulance wasn’t even written backwards on the front.”

Authorities have not released the name of the injured man. Good Samaritan Hospital seemed woefully unprepared to deal with a non-leprosy related case. An orderly named Chris kept throwing Mountain Dew on the patient while shouting “The power of Chris compels you!” After his treatment options were presented the man asked for a second opinion and a doctor from the virgin maternity ward was called in.After spending the night at Good Samaritan it was announced that he is now in critical condition, I mean, he’s recovering nicely, but he is being very critical of the whole staff.