The fastest four months in non-partisan politics will come to an end next week at the Lexington Derby . . . Pie Eating Contest For Potential Mayors.

This year will see a record number of contestants competing to see which resident can eat the most pies and subsequently become the mayor of our fair city. The last time the Derby Pie Eating Contest was this exciting future former Vice-Mayor Jim Gray allowed someone to put a big hole in the middle of his pie and he just left it there for like 8 years.

There have been a few issues leading up to the pie match.

This year the big debate between contestants has been that some want the competition table to be larger allowing the area to hold more pies, while the rest just want pie developers to put new pies in the empty pans that are already there. However, there are so many candidates we kind of lost track of who wants what, but let’s be honest, only 4 of these people even have a legitimate chance at winning this pie eating contest, so we’ll just focus on them.

One actual candidate and current Councilman Kevin Stinnett told us he’s looking forward to the contest. “Safe schools start with safe neighborhoods, and safe neighborhoods start in safe windowsills, where pies can cool without fear of being stolen. So what’s our next problem?”

[Ronnie Baston might be recording this article so we have to be careful. – editor]

Ronnie Baston seems like a very nice person and is always very professional. He will participate.

Linda Gorton skyped into our office to remind us that she’s the betting favorite for this year’s Derby Pie Eating Contest. She claims she will win pretty easily, and promises to wow the KET audience by simultaneously eating pie and performing a high flying Taekwondo exhibition.

Ike Lawrence is technically allowed to participate because everyone that fills out an application is allowed to. However, sources report he will attempt to compete without using his hands and end up with most of the pie on his face. While we assume his participation is some sort of an attempt to be funny, we ask the audience to treat his presence as you would a misbehaving child. Please refrain from laughing, as it will only encourage him further.

At press time, Teresa Isaac may not participate in this portion of the race, as she said in a statement, “My pie eating record should speak for itself.”