The Lexington Streets & Roads Department held the world’s first “Can’t Anyone Drive in the Rain?” contest this morning. Poor motorists from all over the region flocked to the city to participate, although most of them were unaware of it, and were just late to work, as usual.

The contest was overseen by statisticians from the Federal Highway Administration as part of a nationwide study on road conditions. “Preliminary research quickly showed that Lexington was the best city in the world for terrible drivers, especially when it’s raining,” said Dr. Wilhelm Vanderbilt. “The capital of the sunken island of Atlantis was a distant second.”

All across the city drivers were judged based on the following criteria: somehow not seeing the lanes even though it was broad daylight, lack of adequate brake time, and yet driving too slowly as if their vehicles were built out of that witch from The Wizard of Oz.

Several obstacles, such as stalled garbage trucks, old ladies doing karate kicks and abandoned Speedway Speedy Freezes, were strategically placed throughout the test course, which was mostly based around Nicholasville Road but even extended to your very own driveway. Especially you Dan.

The contest results have not been announced yet, but according to traffic consultant Officer Don, officials are hopeful that this is the year that they finally find someone in this town that can drive in the rain.