Papers filed early Friday morning indicate that, after years of separation, Mad Mushroom and Mellow Mushroom have officially filed for divorce. The couple cited irreconcilable differences in their paperwork and presiding judge Joe Bologna declared “frankly, I’m surprised you all made it this long. You’re just so different.”

“It was just a classic ‘opposites attract’ situation I thought,” Mad Mushroom said. “We noticed pretty early on we had some differences. Admittedly, sometimes I can be quick to anger. But it’s like they just didn’t care about ANYTHING (pounds table with fist)! We had been growing apart for a while, and when that young Blaze Pizza came into town it really exacerbated a lot of our problems (Knocks a glass onto the floor, shattering it)!”

“His passion was what I liked at first brah” Mellow Mushroom said in a statement, that took a lot longer than expected. “But the longer we stayed together, like, the more concerned I got. Dude was pissed all the time. Real buzzkill with his negative vibes man. It became obvious that for years we’d only stayed together for the college kids. I’m still a little concerned in a month we’re gonna find Mad Mushroom in some terrible low rent apartment.”

A downtrodden and increasingly frustrated Mad Mushroom concluded by telling us that “I’m always the one, going out to see the kids, you know? But Mellow has it easy, cuz the kids go over there to visit all the time. That’s tough man, it just makes me so MAD MUSHROOM.”