Many Kentuckians are without internet this morning as the fiber internet pipes have frozen over, causing some to reduce themselves to reading the newspaper over the sink in an attempt to be somewhat informed before work.

“A little bit of the Herald Leader and another coat of deodorant and no one will know the difference,” said LEX18 anchor Hayley Harmon.

Governor Matt Bevin told reporters that he made a mistake last night when he forgot to leave his live stream going overnight but promised he would not make that mistake again. “I plan on doing a Fireside Chat every night for the rest of the winter,” Bevin said. “Literally as close to the fire as I can get. I need to warm up these poor, rich bones.”

The many miles of internet cables that crisscross the Bluegrass State are now clogged with ice and backed up fire emojis. The internet stoppage has affected Lexington particularly harshly. A pipe burst on Short Street and flooded Cheapside Pavilion in Facebook likes and Trojan horses.

“We’ve been working around the clock to clean up all the memes and statuses that spilled,” said former Vice Mayor Jim Gray. “Hopefully once we get this repaired people will have a greater appreciation for high speed internet and learn not to look a gif horse in the mouth.”

Bevin called Spectrum to complain about the internet stoppage first thing this morning. A customer service agent told him they couldn’t just push a button and fix everything. Bevin told her he had a really big button on his desk that could fix anything. “Especially the pension system.”

“Is it a nuclear button?” asked the Spectrum employee.

“No,” replied Bevin. “One of those easy buttons from Staples. I just replaced all the keys on my keyboard so I have a new clear button, as well as a different space bar and everything. Actually, I’ve got a lot of buttons.” Bevin then added, “But not like the Matt Lauer one.”