New Year’s Resolutions are always difficult to keep even if you aren’t a heavily used highway surrounded on all sides by mall food courts and chain restaurants. “Anyone would struggle with their wait around here,” said Nicholasville Road.

The road began 2018 confident that it could finally lose some stalled traffic time if it tried really, really hard; but barely four days into the new year it admits the prospects are looking bleak.

“I was slick with champagne and BJ’s Brewpub fry grease that night,” said the road. “I should’ve been more realistic. Like just trying to get my pot holes under control.”

Traffic has always been heavy up and down Nicholasville Road but the addition of the Summit last year has only clogged things up further. “I’ve tried Magnesium, Nutralax, Fiber,” said the road. “Even fluctuating traffic lights. But nothing seems to help.”

City planning department spokesman Martha Cleek is even less optimistic than Nicholasville Road is about its ability to ease congestion. “College isn’t even back in session yet,” she said. “Some resolutions are meant to be broken.”

Then she lit a cigarette, shrugged, and began to beat her steering wheel senseless while the other drivers ahead and behind her did the same in a kind of beautiful symphony of late to work.