Residents in Chevy Chase were alarmed to learn that a bat found in their neighborhood had tested positive for rabies. The description of the rabies infected bat invoked terror in some but others noticed a familiar face.

“Ross!” says Best Friend Bar constant Eddie Cullen. “Ross is metal as (expletive) dude! He’s here four nights a week. He held my hair the night Lemmy died. If this place was Cheers he’d be Kramer.”

Best Friend Bar, BFB, has gained the reputation of having the most Denim Vests in the Woodland area on any given night. It’s become a magnet for moped mechanics and people most likely to try and convince you the movie Predator was real.

Examiners at the Health Department first started tracing the bat, now known as Ross, to BFB after noticing an abnormal reaction to the Thin Lizzy classic “The Boys are Back in Town”. The song just happened to be playing on the radio in the lab. Ross raised a single wing and started banging its head to the song.

Gone were Ross’s normal cravings for mangoes and blood. It was seemingly addicted to shots of Fireball and Speedway sandwiches.

“Sounds just like Ross dude,” explained Cullen, as he stared off into a spot in the room that must have stored some really chill memory. “We were just here the other night, and after the bar closed we went back to my place and watched the Blade Trilogy, The Fifth Element, all the Lord of the Rings, John Wick, some clips from Storage Wars, a Youtube video about Japanese Pro wrestling and a documentary on wormholes. Look at this though,” Cullen pointed to two puncture wounds on his throat, “Ross saved my life. I was choking on a chicken biscuit.”

While the Red Cross claims they don’t train bats to perform CPR, the evidence was there as plain as the scars on Cullens neck.

Despite the lack of alarm for BFB patrons, the Fayette County Health Department is currently overviewing quarantine procedures. They recommend anyone with the sudden urge to “Rage” contact them immediately.