A simple preliminary hearing in the case of Rand Paul’s Attacker vs. Rand Paul’s Ribs became something much more drawn out when the Kentucky senator took the courtroom floor and filibustered the hearing for twelve hours.

Paul removed a folded up square from his briefcase, gave it a shake, and then, like a quick release baby stroller, a podium popped into place. Paul wheeled the podium to the middle of the courtroom and began an extremely lengthy description of grass and how it grows.

When Judge Herschell Brimley interrupted saying this was completely unnecessary, Paul stated, “I’m entitled to keep speaking as long as I’m standing.”

Then he clutched his side, and, like a perennial dark horse presidential candidate, carried on. He started to recite the lyrics to the Elton John song “I’m Still Standing” and then he mumbled his way through that one Billy Joel song before attempting to remember how “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” goes.

“You know the only thing worse than karaoke?” asked one bystander. “It’s hearing Rand Paul drone out the lyrics to ‘Yellow Brick Road’ arrhythmically. Bernie Taupin didn’t write with such passion for these to be read devoid of it.”

Paul took a sip of water around hour seven. “The defendant already plead not guilty,” said Judge Brimley. “This court session should’ve ended six hours ago.”

Paul continued to talk about lawns and drone strikes until sunset. Lawyers for the defendant tried to let the judge know that they believed listening to Paul for this long constituted ‘cruel and unusual punishment’ but they were unable to get a word in.

Outside the courthouse, Paul said that if his attacker is sent to prison he plans to grow his grass to 3 to 4 inches and send pictures to prison weekly, as is his constitutional right. “I’m filibustering mowing until next spring, too,” he added.