After waiting almost 48 hours, local McDonalds assistant manager Ronald McDonald held a very confusing, and impromptu news conference this morning, blaming a recent incident that involves a customer claiming they found a needle in their cheeseburger, on both the staff and the customer themselves.

In a two hour attempt to distance himself from the incident, Ronald McDonald stammered on about vacation plans, wine making, and how nice Lexington is, before remembering what he was doing behind the podium in the first place, “There’s an inherent health risk one takes by eating at McDonald’s, and it’s one that we’re all aware of. We all know that our coffee will give you third degree burns, and the rest of the food can be just as hazardous to your health both long term or short term, we know that, it’s been going on for years, long before I got here, that’s for sure. We’re all focusing on the one needle that the person found but trust me, there were needles ON MANY SIDES, I’ll tell you that much. The media doesn’t like to talk about it but it’s true.”

Many were appalled by the assistant manager’s comments, calling them misguided, and failing to unify a customer base that is beginning to fear the worst (that they may have to start going to White Castle).

He added, “I made a statement the other day, it was a fine statement, but as we know you have to make sure you get all the facts before making a statement. I waited a little while, received no new facts and thought now would be a great opportunity to put everyone at ease, and promise the good people of Lexington, of America, and also the millions around the world listening that this company doesn’t condone this kind of activity and we won’t stand for it under any circumstance. However, I can’t do that, so instead I’ll say that everyone should take part of the blame here. We have employees putting needles in burgers but a lot of them are very fine people.”