BREAKING: 2:35 PM – Lexpark officials have confirmed multiple eyewitness reports that somehow there are still parking spots downtown after lunch. Officer Don is en route to the area via helicopter but isn’t confident they’ll still be available when he gets there. Emergency dispatch refused to comment on rumors that a pair of valets got into a fistfight over an open spot but @ShellyKY recently tweeted that a couple dozen valets have descended on Mill Street and are currently dance fighting at each other. Please drive responsibly.

UPDATE: 2:37 PM – Never mind.