It’s a time honored American tradition that every February we take a day to honor America’s leaders by selling mattresses at outrageously low prices in their name. Sleep Outfitters has decided to continue this annual tradition, but, due to low approval ratings, have decided to specify that President’s Day does not necessarily refer to the current President, but any past president you like.

Sleep Outfitters manager Todd Dozeoff issued a statement saying, “Look, you don’t like Trump? That’s fine, these mattresses are on sale because of Obama. Hate Obama? Fine, these low, low prices are a way to honor Martin Van Buren, nobody has a problem with that guy. We haven’t had a lot of foot traffic yet, we’re not sure if that’s because of the President, or just because only people that work at banks or schools have today off. But we don’t want to take any chances so we felt like we needed to clarify that this is not about any president in particular.”

Dozeoff continued, “We’re just saying, the moment you start talking politics with someone the less likely you are going to be able to get them on a mattress. Look, we don’t care if you love the President, we just want you to love your ‘I love my pillow’ pillow. When the founding fathers put in the constitution that mattress sales would revolve around President’s Day the two current political parties hadn’t even been invented yet. So please, come on out and get a mattress.”

“We don’t want politics to play a big role in mattress sales,” added Dozeoff. The manager said he’d had an employee double check every mattress to make sure none of them had a Made in Russia tag. “There was no collusion,” said a flannel-clad kid known as ‘the Slumberjack’ as he hide a pair of scissors behind his back.

Before ending his press conference Dozeoff reiterated, “We don’t care who you voted for, we just want you to have a good night’s rest. We’re not trying to turn President’s Day into a political thing, we just want it to be the same 28 week holiday we’ve always acted like it was.”