As videos of Black Friday have started to resemble footage of middle eastern coups many shoppers have switched to Cyber Monday. Cyber Monday is when people expect to make purchases using the quickness and accessibility of the internet. That’s why Spectrum Customers are looking for alternative routes to their online shopping experience.

“I just think this might make things easier for me,” says Linda Whistlebong as she put an old AOL disk into her CD-Rom drive. “My husband’s looking in the garage for a telephone cord. We need something we can trust.” Whistlebong lifted the CD out of the tray. “Does this look scratched to you?”

Some have taken more extreme measures, like horse farm owner Winona Settles, who has set up a pony express system from the Lexington Amazon Warehouse to service the area. “These ponys’ll get there quicker than any ole Web Crawler. HeeYAH!” she yelled, dropping an Alexa into a saddlebag and slapping the Palomino on its hindquarters.

“We are fully equipped to handle whatever Cyber Monday throws at us,” said Spectrum regional manager Bryan Johnson as he flipped off the open sign and locked the front door to the office. “The internet is very complicated. It’s hard to give a brief explanation on how it works.”

He took us down the hall to an empty room and walked over to what looked like a thermostat on the wall. A strip of masking tape above it had ‘Internet’ written on it. The arrow on the dial was set to ‘Real Slow’.

Johnson sat and explained, “It gets real expensive if we raise that dial.” Then he took out a book of Magic Eye patterns and started squinting his eyes behind the cover.

Many customers in town are left without any other option and so are forced to wait on their phones listening to the company’s prerecorded apology. “If you’d like to leave a message for a Spectrum customer service representative, please leave your account number, your name and nature of your complaint and someone will get back to you shortly after your Christmas is ruined.”