The Lewis family ended an anxious Sunday night with celebration after Uncle Jeff returned from his expedition to Thunder Sam’s Fireworks in Jellico, Tenessee. Jeff Lewis and his friend that is in no way related to the rest of the family but is still called Uncle for some reason, Dan Clark returned home equipped with an SUV full of M90’s, Roman Candles (the good kind) and a box that just says ‘Bang Stick.’

“Sure bottle rockets are fun if you wanna play tag, but I want something I can legit shoot at the sky,” Uncle Jeff said. “Look, God’s got all those stars he made to paint the canvas above us every other night of the year. But on America’s birthday? It’s Jeff’s turn.”

Uncle Jeff decided to celebrate his haul by setting off a few fireworks on a date that is not the Fourth of July and at a time when it is clearly still light out. After launching $9 worth of explosives, a semi-frustrated Lewis looked to the heavens. “God you’ve always been good to me, but that ain’t enough light for tonight.” Uncle Jeff fuse cried out as a line sparkled from between his teeth.

When asked why he was firing off fireworks on July 2nd at 8:30 Lewis said, “we’re just running a test batch tonight, that way we know we get em in the right order for Tuesday, and as a bonus all the nerds in this neighborhood have to work in the morning, and I know it’ll piss em off. If you loved America you wouldn’t get a job that made you work on the day before her birth.”

Lewis concluded the interview by looking off into the middle-distance and speaking of Jellico, Tennessee wistfully as if it were a far away oasis of fun and debauchery. “Pretty much anything goes down there in Jellico,” a smile crawling across his face, “Corbin and London are pretty straight laced, so once you cross that border, Jellico’s ready for you.  Whatever you need man, fireworks, liquor, a gas station Wendy’s, it’s like the wild west down there.  Also there’s a Subway if you don’t want Wendy’s.”