Some 4,947 Cardinals fans entered their Mt. Washington conclave to elect a new Pope of Bullitt County yesterday. Mt. Washington, known for its dew, is also the home of Bullitt County’s official voting results chimney.

White smoke bloomed out at approximately 7:08 pm announcing to the world that Bullitt County had found their new pope. Former Price Is Right contestant and current Mayor Tim Slate explained, “Typically you’ll only see a lot of black smoke billowing out of this region, which has no real meaning other than someone gave up on retreading a tire, but today the smoke announces to the world, ‘Sorry about before!’”

The winner of the election is former educator Linda Belcher, which is in fact her real name and not something hilarious that we made up. She received the in-no-way mandatory two thirds majority vote to represent Bullitt County as pope and representative in the state’s General Assembly. Her duties include standard papal duties, in addition to making sure the state never approves a budget.

The white smoke announcing Bullitt County’s election results was seen around the world for the first time, although it’s hardly the first time for the community. Historically speaking, in order to produce the white smoke signifying the completion of the vote, Bullitt County has always used a glass pipe that was intended for “tobacco use only” that one resident who just goes by Darryl purchased in Daytona Beach. However, to announce the election results this time around, Mt. Washington updated their practice and now blows those sweet, sweet cotton clouds using an auxiliary smoke-emitting device provided by Vapal Infallibility, which is well known regionally for being consistently ranked in the top 20 vape shops of northeast Bullitt County.

As to how residents get the smoke from the chimney to billow out in Winter X Games white, it is hardly a secret. Slate told us, “You just wad up a Mountain Dew bottle wrapper and toss it on the fire.”

The new pope will be given the ceremonial extra tall trucker hat and will give all future speeches hanging out of their window.